A recent conversation made me feel the need to speak about my opinion on the difference between simple honesty and brutal honesty. I believe that honesty is always welcomed and brutal honesty is never needed. What is the difference you ask? Well, brutal honesty implies a certain level of malice (to me at least). For example (albeit an extremely generic and over used one)… someone asks “Do these pants make me look fat?” An honest response could be “well, they aren’t the most flattering pants”, but a brutally honest response could simply be “yes”. There is a subtle difference, both are true statements, it is simply the delivery. You could take brutal honesty to an extreme by adding an insult to the statement (as some do) but regardless it isn’t necessary. Using the guise of honesty to convey an insult is cowardly in my opinion. I am annoyed by people who use “brutal honesty” as an excuse to be an asshole.
Just my two cents on the subject; always be transparent and honest, just choose the right delivery method. If you ever find yourself saying you were brutally honest take note you might have just been a complete jackass (purposefully or not).
#1 by Nick O. on 20091107 - 19:04:21
Interesting that you’d mention this because I started thinking about it as well. Specifically, I’m wondering the motivations behind asking someone for their opinion, in which honesty is an expectation.
I’ve come to the conclusion that people ask for opinions for three reasons: 1.) affirmation of their own opinion (they think you hold the same opinion they do) 2.) delivering a courtesy 3.) receiving honest input. Number 3 is probably the least likely reason, unfortunately.
To speak of your post specifically, I don’t think adjectives like “simple” or “brutal” actually apply to honesty. Qualifiers are unnecessary. In the same way “half dead” doesn’t really make any sense, so does “brutal honesty” not make any sense. You’re either honest or dishonest.
In your example, “they aren’t the most flattering pants” is an evasion of honesty. Answering “yes,” however, would be honest, and the recipient can decide whether it was brutal or not. (See: Brutal truth vs. brutal honesty. “I was honest about the brutal truth” not “I was brutally honest about the truth.”) There’s also something to be said about the intentions of the person asked for an opinion – as you stated – but also of the intentions of the person doing the asking. (If you don’t honestly – pun unintended – want an opinion, don’t ask.)
I think an interesting question would be, “Is it better to be honest or better to be tactful?” Because sometimes the truth is unpleasant. Do we deliver our opinion honestly, or do we soften the blow, which is dishonest but less likely to hurt someone’s feelings?
Honesty shouldn’t be used as an excuse to be a douchebag, I agree. But if being honest – being genuine – makes you a douchebag (by way of delivering an unpleasant truth) then so be it. Again, if you don’t want honesty, don’t ask for it.
#2 by JordanRinke on 20091108 - 02:17:21
True, I think most people don’t consider what they are asking for when they ask for the truth. That topic alone could probably be it’s own article. I don’t think being tactful is being dishonest. I should have picked a less clear cut example for my post. One that offered a few more open ended responses.
Let’s change my example to be “Do these jeans look good on me?”. The honest answer still applies, “They aren’t the most flattering” and the brutally honest answer now becomes “they make you look fat”. Does that better dictate the difference I am trying to highlight?
#3 by Nick on 20091108 - 08:47:39
The honest answer here would still be a simple “No,” I feel.
“They aren’t the most flattering” is closer to honest in this example, but to me it still feels like a slight dodge.
“They make you look fat” however does step to cross a line, however I still don’t think this is necessarily so brutal, because what’s the obvious next line in the conversation in which I answer no to the original question?
“Do these jeans look good on me?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
And now, any answer short of “They make you look fat,” is dishonest.
In this second example however, it makes me think more toward the intent of the question. The first example question doesn’t necessarily seem like an “honest question” so to speak, meaning the person isn’t necessarily looking for an honest answer. This second example question however does seem to be more of an honest question seeking an honest answer.
However, if you want to remain honest but still soften the blow of the honesty, maybe the appropriate response to “Do these jeans look good on me?” should be “I don’t think so.”
You are telling them that you don’t think they look good on them, but it’s an opinion question, and your answer reminds them that it’s an opinion question.
#4 by Nick on 20091107 - 22:20:22
“Yes” isn’t the honest answer.
The honest answer is “I don’t think its the pants.”
And I agree with this other Nick. “They aren’t the most flattering pants” is a dodge, and is not honest. I mean, what your implying is that you think the pants do indeed make the person look fat, but in favor of their feelings, you want to tell them something different.
It’s not necessarily bad, but certainly dishonest.
#5 by JordanRinke on 20091108 - 02:21:20
Good point, given my example your honest response is more direct while still remaining tactful. See my response to Nick O above for more on the “dodge”.
#6 by Carlos B Rich on 20100208 - 09:28:35
my webshow for your viewing pleasure, please enjoy. hopefully not to brutal for your taste. definitely honest.